music: "This Mess We're In," P J Harvey and Thom Yorke
I'm in the oddest, most indescribable mood. Something I learned in therapy was to identify my mood as often as possible. To characterize it, so to speak, in one word or so. I think imood helps with that, because it has such a lovely long list to choose from. But sometimes, no matter how hard I reflect, I can't place my feelings.
I'm still tired, although I've slept basically all day, so I'm not exactly sleepy. I'm feeling pleasant, but not exactly happy or excited. I feel this odd urge to laugh welling up in my gut, but I haven't got anything funny to laugh at so that doesn't really help. My knees hurt because I didn't exercise enough today. I feel a little jealous but of whom or what I couldn't say. Well, okay, that's as prolix a description I feel au fait to produce.
My life is wretchedly boring. Of course, as soon as June it will be so full of goings-on that all I'll wish for is the laziness of these slowly dragging weeks, but for the moment, I simply can't bear it. I'm very much a do-er. I always have my hands in fifteen million projects, just because that's how I am. I know that it would be just as easy to get involved in stuff until I leave, but I guess because of my constantly swinging depression I find it hard to muster the motivation. I'm wallowing in it, basically, feeling morbidly sorry for myself. It's okay though, because I don't complain about it anywhere but here, so I'm quite sure I'm not getting on anyone's nerves in my boredom. But still, it's some private unhappiness that wells up inside of me, and we all know that's not good for the mentally ill. ;)
As some sort of release, I've delved into the lives of the ficticious. I can't seem to put down my books lately, and when I'm not reading, I'm watching a handful of television shows with the religiousness of a forlorn housewife that hangs onto every dramatic moment of her daily soap. Granted, I'm not watching soap operas: my shows of choice lately have been Mad About You (on Lifetime from 10-11 every morning), That 70's Show (5:30 and 9 on Fox), Everwood (8, Mondays, WB), and Gilmore Girls (7, Tuesdays, WB). Other than the occasional indulgence in The Simpsons, that's all the tv I've been watching. However, had you known me five months ago, I didn't watch any tv at ALL...I managed to squeeze Homer, Bart and Lisa into my busy week maybe once. So you can see what a dramatic turn for the worse I've taken.
It's all just one long waiting game. If I can psyche myself into holding out until the end of May, everything will be okay. It's just so BOOORRR-ING!! (Okay, okay, whining over. I'll be more interesting tomorrow. For those of you that made it through this entry, I commend you. You have greater mental stamina than I.)