music: “Easy Ride,” Madonna
God, I’m loving the new Madonna cd. It seems like she goes through everything I’m going through at just the right time, making each album more important and addictive. I know she’s controversial and whatnot, and probably media-created (or at least she was in the beginning) but controversy is what America needs. Living this blind-eye life isn’t good for anyone.
Today is one of my down days. I stayed in my room almost the entire time, reading, sleeping, moping. I did hop down to the pharmacy to buy some vitamins and Dayquil, and it was nice to get the fresh air.
I feel increasingly numb. I’m getting those same old longings for sensation, the ones that motivated me to do things I wouldn’t in any other right mind have done… a longing for pain, exhilaration, vitality. Somehow, though, I feel empty and withdrawn. I’ve been shrinking from contact, hating the strained moments when I must pretend to be cheerful and normal.
I remember this all too well. Months I went, pretending to be fine, and I did it so well that no-one ever noticed I was going under. I don’t know that I’m going under again, I’m struggling much harder to stay well this time. It’s like I’m treading water, and my head keeps slipping under the surface. The medicine, though, is my life vest, holding me there, close enough to the sky to keep me breathing. I wish my family were here, or any of my friends.. just someone to talk to.
As depressing as all this sounds, I’m not feeling melancholy. Just numb. I enjoyed the episode of The Simpsons today, and progressed quite steadily in Colin Powell’s memoirs. With a tennis-loving dorm mate, I watched Serena Williams perform her magic in the French Open. And I finished writing my thank-you letters for graduation stuff.
It’s just one of those days I need to vent.