music: "The Child Is Gone," Fiona Apple
Well, in cleaning my room I came across something I wrote quite a while ago.. more than a year ago now, I think. But I still find comfort in it, so I think I'm going to post it:
"Everything feels surreal lately. I've been intoxicated by the spell cast on the world… the sun is white and cool, and the sky feels bigger and lighter, as if I could simply float up into it and fly away, drifting forever on the breeze. I think I’ve withdrawn from my arms, and legs, and fingers and feet… I seem to have shrunk to exist only as my heart, beating strong and steady. There is no thinking here, no breathing even, as I watch my hands move, without feeling them. It’s as if I’ve separated, and I can observe my own body from far inside myself, and the only thing I can truly feel is my heart, my soul, the essence of my being.
”It’s days like this when I achieve the balance that determines the survival of any living thing. The masculine and feminine characteristics must compliment one another, and equilibrium must be found. The lofty, dreamy femininity of the sky compliments the stateliness and endurance of the earth; the strength of one’s character harmonizes with the graceful gentility of sweetness and kindness. For every day I am extroverted and energetic, I find I feel reserved and withdrawn the next.
”When I happen upon a day of balance such as this one, I implore Nature with every particle of myself to let it last forever, to keep me here in this place for all eternity. It is here that all of my needs are met, that I am satisfied and truly happy. It is here that my lungs swell with the freshest air, and with a single glance skyward I become so exhilarated that I close my eyes and smile, drinking in the magic of the moment.
“And yet, the fairies must dance back into the forest, and leave me once again to face the monotonous sorrow of the rest of days, trusting few and loving fewer still. But I can continue, and I can hold my head above the torrent of rancid waters, because I have days like these to call on, to hold dear until I finally follow the nymphs into their enchanted world one last time…
“’Lift your eyes and see the glory where the circle of life is drawn… See the never-ending story… Come with me to the gates of dawn.’”