music: "Needle in the Hay," Elliott Smith
I feel immensely weird about the fact that Elliott is gone. I guess the main reason for that is that he was the soundtrack to my depression. This started when I got hooked on The Royal Tenenbaums, and during the scene when Richie splits his arms, they played this song. And so my love/fear of Elliott Smith was born.
If anything, I at least know what it's like to feel so horrible that something like that is possible. I am glad I didn't end up like him, though. These things are so tragic, and so difficult to understand.
I've read everything I can get my hands on regarding depression, and there's just no way to comprehend it. Some people just have to live in the darkness. Luckily, though, it seems to be coming more into the public eye -- the genius behind the inexplicable mind problems. The Hours; Sylvia; Girl, Interrupted; Frida... there are lots of movies about it lately. I'm glad that they seem to portray it fairly accurately, and I severely hope that someone will find out how to make the pain go away.
From experience, I know the typical prescriptions don't help. Therapy doesn't help, medicines don't help, and most of all, committment to a hospital makes it worse. The only way, as far as I can tell, is for the person to decide for themselves that they want to get out of it, although that's nearly impossible to do when you aren't yourself. If the patient doesn't want to or can't help himself, he's as good as dead in my opinion. It becomes a fight between the mind and the brain, and every day is a struggle, but in the end, if your mind and your will are strong enough, you can get out of it. The hardest thing is that the depression leaves a part of itself inside you, and in certain circumstances it inevitably will come back, albeit generally weaker and easier to ward off. It just remains there in the back of your mind like a ghost and a guilt trip.
It's a hard life, and I feel bad for Elliott.
May he rest in peace.